


How (not) to confess

by Marstiny



Series: Five things you shouldn't [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Angst, He'll come around, Love Confessions, M/M, San is oblivious in this one but I still love him, Seonghwa's aegyo, someone save seonghwa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marstiny/pseuds/Marstiny
Summary: Seonghwa has been in love with San for a long time. But when your beloved is dense as a rock confessing can be an extreme sport for your heart.Or five times Seonghwa tries to confess his undying love to San and one time he's successful.
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Series: Five things you shouldn't [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1905742
Comments: 81
Kudos: 137





	1. Be creative

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I don't know what to say here, this is my first time writing a fic in English so sorry for any mistakes there could be, and thank you for reading!

Seonghwa wasn't sure if what he was going to do was a good idea, but he was going to do it anyway. What was the worst that could happen anyway, getting rejected? Perhaps that way those feelings would finally have a reason to disappear.  
He rubbed at his chest with a knuckle, frowning with a painful little grin. Did he really want that?

Seonghwa sighed and rested his cheek on his hand, looking at everything that was spread out on the table. Gummy bears, a few photos, scissors, paper, and a purple ink pen. Oh, and a small treasure chest.

"Well... this thing is not going to get started itself." he commented while wiggling his fingers and looking at his craft project.

Cutting the photos was easy, then he started folding the papers and shaping them into hearts. Soon after, Seonghwa had his tongue caught between his teeth thinking of what to write on the hearts with the purple pen. That was San's favourite color.  
Then he put everything in the box and closed it, pushing it until it was in the center of the desk. Seonghwa crossed his arms on the table and rested his head on top of them, staring at the chest with hope and apprehension.

Now he just needed to give the box to its rightful owner.

* * *

"What's this? It's not my birthday today.” San asked when Seonghwa handed him a bag. He immediately tried to see what was inside but Seonghwa hurriedly told him to open it later, alone. "But… Why?"

"It’s embarrassing." Seonghwa explained staring at San. His green hair was too pretty.

San shrugged and held the bag to his chest, hugging it before bidding Seonghwa good night and entering his own room as he had intended all along. Yunho was still in the shower, so San had some privacy to see what that unexpected gift was about. He left the bag on the mattress and climbed on the top bunk, once in bed he quickly took out what was in the bag. To his surprise it looked like a chest. He shook it.

"Uh. There’s something inside." he whispered to himself looking at how to open the box. "Gummy bears!"

San liked to bring gummy bears to practice and that was something everyone knew. Most of the time he said they were for Jongho, but he ate them too. He smiled fondly feeling his cheeks get warm, he didn't know that Seonghwa had found out his passion for gummy bears.

He ate a bear and noticed little pieces of paper on the bottom of the chest. He took one out and began to unfold it.

"It’s a heart." he said laughing, starting to feel shy. Perhaps Seonghwa had noticed San's apathy in the recent weeks and this was his way of cheering him up. Even after debuting, San wasn’t sure he felt fully integrated into the group and every little gesture from his teammates made him feel better.

He turned the paper over between his fingers and a flash of purple caught his eye. San smoothed the paper and looked at it intensely, there was something written.

"I like to watch movies with you."

San blinked. He frowned and reached into the box, pulling out a handful of bears, three more papers, and something a little harder. San looked closely at the hard paper and found out that it was a selca he and Seonghwa had taken before their debut. He remembered that day, Seonghwa had treated him to ice cream.  
He unfolded another piece of paper, it was also shaped into a heart.

"Every time you laugh you make me happy." San read aloud, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks. "Hyung?" he asked before reading the next note. “The day you held my hand for the first time. What is this?"

San looked up and stared at the wall, which had no answer for him, but at least it didn't make him anymore confused than he already was.

“When you fall asleep holding onto something. When you get excited and don't apologize for it. The day you asked me for advice about your hair. I like to dance with you." San continued, reading each little paper heart and feeling how his own was beating so hard it seemed to want to escape his chest.

The notes were things that Seonghwa liked about San. Things that he liked to do with him. And sprinkled with memories, very tiny cropped photos and gummy bears to go with it. How long had taken Seonghwa to think of every detail, to cut out each heart, write nice things about San on them and put it all together?

San had a hard time crying in front of people. But there he was, alone in his room, with stinging wet eyes and smiling so much that his cheeks hurt.

There was one last heart stuck to the bottom of the box and San pulled it out as he took a deep breath and let it out forcefully, rubbing one eye with the heel of his left hand.

"Do you want to go out with me?"

San collected the notes, the photos, the gummy bears, and hid the box among the stuffed animals that inhabited his bed, jumped out of bunk and tiptoed out of his room.

* * *

Seonghwa was not going to sleep that night, that much was clear to him. He was in bed, staring at the mattress above with his eyes wide open and his hands grabbing tightly to the sheets covering his body.  
His door opened just a little wider than it already was. That should be Hongjoong.

"Hyung?" came a soft, oh so sweet voice from the hall.

Well, it wasn't Hongjoong.

Seonghwa startled and pulled the sheet off himself, sitting on the bed. He wasn't expecting San so soon. He was not ready yet. He was biting his lower lip and was probably going to panic.

San’s little green head poked from the corridor, looking wide-eyed into the darkness of the room.

"Did I wake you up?" San asked and Seonghwa shook his head, smiling and motioning for him to come closer. San stood in front of him shifting his weight from toes to heels several times. "I didn't think I was so obvious."

"What?" Seonghwa said, confused. "Come, sit with me." He patted the bed beside him and San wasted no time sitting up, back stiff and avoiding Seonghwa's eyes. Was he being shy? Was that it? "Did you like it?" Seonghwa asked, and if San noticed a small crack in his voice he didn't comment on it.

San nodded smiling, and pushed Seonghwa with his shoulder. Seonghwa complained laughing as he rubbed his arm, and San punched him playfully without any force.

"I really liked it, and yes."

"Hmn? Yes what?" asked Seonghwa, knowing that his ears were bright red under the cover of the dark.

"Yes, I will go out with you." San said, still a bit shy before starting to bounce on the bed, grabbing onto Seonghwa's arm, excited all of sudden. "Where are you going to take me, hyung? I guess you've already thought about something. I don't know how you came up with the box, but thanks, I really needed something like that. I know that I haven’t been my best lately, but it has nothing to do with feeling out of the group, not anymore. I just think that I’m not giving everything I could and it makes me kind of angry. I don’t want us to get behind schedule because of me. So thank you, thank you very much, Seonghwa-hyung. "

San stopped to breathe and Seonghwa blinked, trying to sort all the information in his head. San bit his lip.

"I'm not going to apologize for getting emotional or excited, you told me not to."

Seonghwa patted his head and smiled somewhat puzzled.

"Don't do it, I like to see you like this."

“So when are we leaving, where are you taking me? ... or is it a surprise?" San gave Seonghwa a knowing smile and his voice became a whisper. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight."

"Neither do I." Seonghwa confessed "Neither do I..."

After that, Seonghwa assured San that they were going to have a good time and that he would let him know when the day approached, which he hadn't planned yet because sweet sweet San hadn't understood the connotations of his question, but at least he got a date with him. Perhaps there he could confess in a more typical way!

In the end their afternoon of just two turned into an outing to the arcade for the whole group. Seonghwa had no more than two minutes alone with San. But it was worth watching him grin and destroy everyone at Air Hockey.  
Maybe he would try another day.


	2. Be spontaneous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short but I hope you'll like it :3 Thank you for the comments and kudos!

It was a cold day and the humidity in the air fogged up the windows of the vehicle. It had been a few months since Seonghwa's failed confession, in which he had been considering how and when to let San know about his feelings for him and what he would like them to be. Boyfriends.

Ah, the word sounded ominous in Seonghwa's mind and made his cheeks feel hotter than the sun. Seonghwa rubbed his hands between his thighs and San turned to face him, cocking his head.

"Are you okay, hyung?" he asked and Seonghwa nodded, sinking a little deeper into his seat as San put a warm hand on his forehead to be sure. "Your face is red."

"It's just… it's hot in here." he excused himself as he looked away from San and up the window. The word ‘boyfriend’ was still floating around his mind. 

San rested his chin on Seonghwa’s shoulder, who flinched and tried to push him away with his head. San laughed just right over his ear, making him shiver.  
"You won't see anything with the glass all fogged up." San said before reaching out, although he put his hand in the air with a thoughtful face. He then extended a finger and started to write. "What do you think now? Do you like the view?"

Seonghwa blinked at the glass where San had written 'DDeonghwa is cute'. Seonghwa groaned a little and nudged San with one shoulder eliciting a mischievous giggle, and wrote something back on the glass.  
San cocked his head so he could read better. On the glass of the car’s window, written under San's doodle an 'I love you' could be read and San gave him a short hug before turning to see what wanted Wooyoung, who was tapping him on the shoulder.

Seonghwa stared at the two sentences. Later on he’d blame the fuzzy feeling in his head and the unexpected shaking of his body for the decision he was going to make.  
He raised a trembling finger and as he felt the air in his lungs run out he added another phrase just below 'I love you.' A question he was too afraid to ask out loud.

"San." Seonghwa called without taking his eyes off what he had just written, his fists clenched over his legs. "Watch this."

"What is it?" San asked excited, before leaning over Seonghwa and rubbing the cuff of his sweater on the fogged glass. "Mountains, I like mountains."

Seonghwa pouted and nodded. “Me too.” Suddenly his chest couldn’t take enough air so he sighed long and deep.

“The fog is a bit scary but the view is pretty." continued San.

"Yeah." Seonghwa said. He still felt short of breath and now his heart was beating with a hurt rhythm.

"Sannie!" Wooyoung called again and San turned his attention to him, yet again.

Seonghwa looked through the window and reached down, where the word ’boyfriend’ could still be guessed from the blur San had made. He sighed a little before erasing it with his long, cold fingers.

Perhaps it was still not the right time.


	3. Be endearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting such a warm reception! Thank you all 💕💖💕

The trip to Saipan had left Seonghwa a bit dizzy, but nothing that a good rest wouldn't fix. The truth was he was excited about the new MV they were going to record. Wave was a song he had liked as soon as he heard it, and being able to make a sweet and summery concept filled him with joy.

"Come on, Seonghwa." Hongjoong had told him, reaching out to try to pull him out of bed. "We’re going filming!"  
Seonghwa had laughed as he let himself be dragged, but had ended up complaining when his leader managed to get him completely out of bed and his back hit the ground.

Hours later, he was tired from having been dancing to the same song over and over. Finally finished with filming Seonghwa lay down filling his clothes with sand. The sun was already behind the ocean waves and Seonghwa found himself looking up at the stars that were beginning to appear in the sky. He sighed. Heaven.  
Someone threw themselves next to him, using one of his outstretched arms as a pillow.

"Hyung". San said, shaking him a bit "Come on, get up, play some more with us."

Wooyoung, who had been rolling San along the beach, was now yelling on Yunho's back with one arm raised towards the night sky, while Mingi chased after them. Seonghwa lifted his head and saw Yeosang fixing Jongho's hair a little further on, with Hongjoong near them looking at his phone and reminding the others that they only had fifteen minutes left before they had to go. The cars were already there, waiting for them.

Seonghwa dropped his head.

"I'm tired." he confessed just before San appeared in his field of vision. "What?" Seonghwa asked before the other said anything. San smiled at him, groping blindly for his hand and grabbing it.

"Come on, hyung ~" Seonghwa closed his eyes, noticing how his cheeks flushed from having all of San's attention on him. "It's the ocean. The ocean!" he insisted, pointing toward the waves that hit the sand insistently. "Come play with me."

"Okay..." he conceded as San grabbed his other hand as well and pulled him to his feet. Seonghwa sighed and would have brushed the sand off his clothes, but San walked backwards towards the water without letting go of his hands. “No… San, we're going to get wet. San-ah!"

San let out a little shout as the waves wet his feet while Seonghwa tried to pull him to safer reaches without much success. In the end, Seonghwa pulled so hard that the two of them ended up on the ground again, laughing.  
The summer heat had nothing on San's heat over Seonghwa's body. San's laughter in his ear filled him with a warm and pleasant feeling that made him sigh with mirth.

"Again." San said and Seonghwa hit him with his knee in the side. San complained and got up, ready to continue playing his own version of tag with the sea.

Seonghwa got up slowly and then squatted down, looking at San like a hawk. San's hair reflected the little ambient light and his laughter mixed with the sea breeze. Seeing him like this made him happy.  
Seonghwa looked away from San to start writing in the sand the words he found so difficult to say out loud. By the time he finished, his eyes were wet and there was a wistful smile on his lips.

San appeared out of nowhere, crouching beside him. "What are you drawing?" he asked.

Seonghwa shook his head, rubbing his eyes with his hands. "Nothing, I wasn't drawing." he answered. San narrowed his eyes and reached into his pants’ pocket, searching for something.

"Liar, I've seen you draw." he said, fishing for his cell phone and turning the flashlight on. "I... love you San." he read. He looked at Seonghwa who had turned to stare at the sea and had no plans to move his gaze from where it was at that moment. Seonghwa knew that his ears were red and was probably blushing up to the tip of his nose. He hoped the light from the phone still pointing at the ground was helping him hide it.

San pushed his shoulder with one hand and Seonghwa ended up on the ground with a high-pitched whimper.

“I love you too, silly. But don’t lie to me!"

"I didn’t lie! I was writing, not drawing." Seonghwa explained, getting up again to shake himself off. He was going to make a mess of the car with so much sand. Suddenly he raised his head. "Did you just call me a fool?"

"Didn’t I also tell you that I love you?" San evaded, getting up slowly as he tried to get away from Seonghwa. "I love you hyung, don't hit me."

Seonghwa raised a fist, but dropped it almost limply against San's chest. And with his head bowed, he answered. "You’re always taking advantage of me."

As San laughed in satisfaction, Yunho appeared from behind, hugging them both and giving Seonghwa a small heart attack. Hongjoong was chasing Wooyoung and Mingi had already fallen asleep in the car as soon as he touched the seat. Jongho and Yeosang were waiting for them leaning against the other car, deep into their own conversation.

Seonghwa spent a few days thinking about the moment on the beach and ended up asking San if he really loved him as he had said. San apologized for spending little to no time with him lately and assured him that he loved him as much as he did the others, that he considered him one of his best friends.  
Seonghwa gave him one of his tight little smiles and ruffled his hair. San was much more attached to him for a week and Seonghwa was not sure if this was heaven or hell. Probably both.


	4. Be romantic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *breathes in* WHERE IS THE LOOOOVE? *bangs head*  
> Ok, so we're almost there :3 All the next chapters are planned and half of them are already drafted. It's official, I'm making this a series.

Hongjoong's dark blue hair hadn't taken long to fade and right now the team leader was reluctantly fussing with his bangs. Hongjoong huffed.

"Do you like my hair better red or blue?" He asked Seonghwa, who had just arrived from the store and was putting his backpack on the desk they shared. "I don't know whether to dye it blue again or leave it alone."

Seonghwa shrugged and Hongjoong looked at him with curiosity. Seonghwa was scowling . His shoulders were stiff and his lips were pressing to a hard line. Who had annoyed Seonghwa enough for him to look like that? Hongjoong hoped it wasn't him.

"Seonghwa". Hongjoong called again.

"I don't know Hongjoong, everything looks good on you." Seonghwa replied with a sigh.

"Is everything alright?" Hongjoong asked. Seonghwa shrugged and opened the backpack looking inside.

"It’s nothing".

Hongjoong narrowed his eyes, not believing him. “Do you want to talk?" And Seonghwa shook his head. The little smile he gave Hongjoong let him know that whatever was making Seonghwa upset had nothing to do with him. "Do you want to watch a movie or play some game?"

"No, can I be alone for a while?" Seonghwa asked, fiddling with the handles of his backpack without looking at Hongjoong.

If there was one sign that made Hongjoong worry about Seonghwa, it was him wanting to be alone. That was something that rarely happened, Seonghwa would rather seek comfort from his bandmates. For a moment Hongjoong entertained the idea of sitting Seonghwa in the chair and forcing him to talk about whatever was wrong, but in the end he decided that giving him a little space wasn't too bad. But just a little bit.

Hongjoong put his laptop aside, got up from the bed and patted Seonghwa's shoulder.

“I'm going to see who's here for dinner. I think I’m going to the store to buy something. Shall I get you dinner? " Seonghwa nodded and Hongjoong smiled assuring him that he would be back with food in half an hour.

Finally alone, Seonghwa pulled the chair off the desk and flopped into it, throwing his head back. He grunted looking at the ceiling and rubbed his face with his hands.

He was frustrated. That was all there was to it.

It would soon be a year since his first attempt in confessing to San, and Seonghwa had made no progress. After three failed tries he had begun to think that they were simply not meant to be boyfriends.

And then San started looking for him, calling him, hugging him... much more. Seonghwa was confused.  
After a couple of months of total hopelessness and two attempts to turn the page, now this.

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes and reached into the backpack, pulled out a bag and neatly placed its contents on the table. Notepaper, a gold pen, a black pen and a pretty envelope. He had also bought stickers. He wasn’t sure if he was going to use them but they were cute.

Seonghwa put his hands behind his head, raising his elbows as he thought about what exactly he was going to write. He wanted the message to be clear, no leaving room for doubt. Maybe he hadn't been direct enough the first time, and San erasing the question before reading it the second time was just his bad luck. The third time he hadn't even had time to ask San if he wanted to go out with him or be boyfriends.

This time Seonghwa wasn't going to let anything spoil this confession. He was going to write a letter. The best confession letter in the entire universe. Or so he hoped.

Seonghwa removed the cap from the black pen and pursed his lips. He started by making a list point by point of what he wanted to write and then tried to put some order into it. Once finished with that he took some more time to think of beautiful phrases to communicate his feelings. All the while he was playing with a pen, balancing it between his lip and his nose.

When he thought he was ready, he pulled aside one of the cute stationery stacks he had bought and hovered the pen over the paper for a few seconds, biting his lip. Suddenly he began to write.  
It was as if the words had been there the entire time, waiting. They just started to flow. Seonghwa told San all the little details that had made him fall in love, told him about all the times that he had wanted to kiss him. He confessed what he would be willing to do for him. And he asked for an answer.

With each sentence, something inside Seonghwa's chest was released, no longer pressing down on him. By the time he signed the letter his back was straighter and his shoulders much more at ease. A ragged sigh left his throat, leaving him with the sweet taste that only his love for San made him feel.

Hongjoong peeked in to let him know that dinner was ready just as he was writing 'San' in his best gold ink lettering on the envelope.

"Okay, I'm going." he replied, much more animated.

Hongjoong looked at him puzzled but happy at the change in attitude. "Don't take too long or they will leave you without food." he warned, tapping with his hand on the door before leaving.

Seonghwa peeped out down the hall and went straight to the room that San shared with Yunho. The door was open and Seonghwa slipped in quietly, put the letter on the bed half hidden under a stuffed animal, and went to get his dinner.

San smiled at him, gesturing for Seonghwa to sit next to him. "I saved you some fries." he said, leaning towards him between giggles, protecting them from Wooyoung with a raised elbow.  
Seonghwa ruffled his hair and pulled a bit on his bangs, telling San how handsome he was with dark hair. San confessed in his ear that he wanted to bleach it again, but in a fun way and Seonghwa smiled noticing the chill that San's whisper had left as a gift.

And then came the waiting. One day wasn't difficult to endure, although Seonghwa was concerned because San wasn't treating him any different. Two days… it was starting to get to him.  
Seonghwa let a whole week of nervousness go by and finally cornered San in one of the practice rooms, asking him if he had anything to say to him. San blinked and smiled so big that his dimples filled his entire face.  
San thanked him.

"That’s it, nothing else?"

San looked at the ground, Seonghwa hadn't seen him so shy in a long time.

“I know you've been helping me a lot lately, hyung. And you are a great support to me…” San left the sentence hanging, thinking about how to continue. "I have not been as grateful as I should be and I know that sometimes we tease you even if you are the oldest." Seoghwa looked back at him with a frown and a pout. San spread his arms for a few seconds, during which Seonghwa just kept looking at him with the same expression. "A hug?"

Seonghwa leaned towards San, who caught him in his arms. And as San showered him with kisses on the top of his head, Seonghwa wondered what had gone wrong this time.


	5. Be stealthy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tapun |ω･)و ̑̑༉  
> Actually this is the first chapter I wrote directly in English. The others were a spanglish mess xD Thanks to google translate and my beta/translator for assisting me on those :_D  
> I hope this one is better orz
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and subs and the comments. I appreciate them <3

It was the first day after their short vacation and Seonghwa was already in cleaning mode. Yunho was nowhere to be seen and San just screamed at Wooyoung for shelter. He was now a declared refugee and even if Yeosang was trying to get him out of the room, Wooyoung wouldn't let him.

“We need to clean, guys. It’s a new year! The comeback is around the corner!”

There was no reply for him as his bandmates kept playing and fighting with each other.  
Seonghwa sighed, shaking his head. He had a mop in one hand and a dust cloth in the other.

“I’m going in!” he warned, entering San and Yunho’s room and starting to clean right away.

Shortly after, Seonghwa moved the bunk bed and something made a faint sound, hitting the floor. He looked for some plushie on the ground but what he found made his heart beat hard and fast in his chest.

A letter.

Seonghwa bent down to pick it up, brushed off the dust and stared at the gold ink for maybe too long.

“What is that?” came a voice from the open door.

“Yunho.” Seonghwa greeted “Nothing, really.” He was fast to hide the letter from Yunho’s eyes, putting it behind his tense body. “You don’t need to concern yourself with it.”

Yunho smiled softly, tilting his head and walked closer to Seonghwa making him a little bit nervous. His god boy energy was high and Seonghwa tried to not look at him.

“It’s from my room, right?”

“No.” Seonghwa lied, trying to put the letter into his pocket without ruining it. He failed. “It’s just… it’s stupid. It doesn’t matter.”

Seonghwa grabbed the mop and the dust cloth and made a quick escape. He was out of the room in a blink of Yunho’s eyes.

“Hyung!” Yunho called after Seonghwa, peeking out, holding on to the door frame with his big hands. “Are you okay?”

“Yes!” another obvious lie.

“It concerns me… I’m always worried for you, guys.” Yunho said with a pout. But Seonghwa was too far away to hear him, anyway.

Yunho shrugged and went to Yeosang and Wooyoung’s room to retrieve his roommate. Seonghwa was right after all, they had to clean while they still had the free time for it.

* * *

“So that was what happened to you.” Seonghwa said to the crumpled envelope on his desk.

His letter hadn’t been opened. It had remained intact somewhere between the wall and the bed, with all his feelings there waiting to be discovered, never to be found.

Seonghwa smoothed the paper and ended up hiding the letter in a box inside his wardrobe, trying to forget about it.

He couldn’t

Seonghwa growled, hitting the desk with his forehead. He got up, put his hands on his hips and took a good breath.

“Well, time for a last try.”

The problem was that he didn’t know how to confess his feelings anymore. He had tried everything he could come up with and now he had no ideas left.

* * *

The opportunity arose months later. Seonghwa’s phone suddenly turned off while he was taking selcas and San spotted him, alone on the couch pouting to himself.

“What is it?”

“My battery died.” Seonghwa said, showing San the black screen of his phone. He pouted again. “And I was feeling pretty today…”

San rolled his eyes, laughing at Seonghwa’s cute act.

“You can borrow mine.” San offered, patting himself in search of his phone.

Seonghwa pouted some more, squeezing his puffed out cheeks with his fists. San’s smile was so wide that his dimples showed clearly on his blushing face.

“Ok, ok… here, have my phone.” San said, defeated. He threw his unlocked phone onto Seonghwa’s lap who was wiggling happily.

“Thank you~” he chirped as San went to the kitchen to grab something to drink.

Thirty two pictures later of which he saved eight, Seonghwa was snooping around San’s phone when he remembered something. In his last vlive, San said he had Seonghwa saved into his contact as Park-ssi.

“The little shit… ugh.” he grunted at the disrespect and proceeded to search for his contact info.

There it was, before his own eyes. Park-ssi.  
He started changing it, typing away his full name. He stopped there, staring at the screen. But did Seonghwa want San to call him by his full name?

On a second thought he erased his last name because how many Seonghwas did San know after all? That felt better. He blinked at his name, worrying his lip. The text cursor blinked back at him.

He went back a few letters and slightly changed the spelling. Ddeonghwa. That was cute. Although, as he kept thinking about it he wasn’t sure if he wanted something cute or something more dignified.  
He erased the text again, shaking his head.

Seonghwa let himself fall backwards on the couch, back hitting the seating with a tired sigh. How did he want San to call him?

At that exact moment he realised this was a new opportunity to confess. And he took it.  
His fingers flew over the screen, tapping furtively. He saved the info and locked the screen, pressing the phone hard over his ribcage.  
His heart was beating fast and loud, making Seonghwa dizzy.

Out of nowhere Seonghwa had his lap full of San and he complained with a weak whine. San smirked at him with his lips still around his sports drink bottle.

“Did you take a lot of pictures?” he asked, getting his phone back.

“Not that much… just a few.”

“I bet you are pretty in all of them.” San assured “You’re always pretty.”

The only thing Seonghwa could do was blush furiously and hit San with a pillow, hard. San cackled, ruffling Seonghwa’s hair. Shortly after, in between giggles, San cupped Seonghwa’s cheeks and asked him to be a good boy and say thank you.  
And he did it.

* * *

Two days later Seonghwa called San, waiting for his reaction just outside the practice room.

“Wooyoung!” he heard San yell “Did you mess with my phone again?”

“No, why?” asked Wooyoung in return.

Seonghwa bit his lip softly and snuck away, putting on his headphones. Just when he was inside the closest bathroom San picked up the phone.

“Hyung!”

“Hi.” Seonghwa greeted. “Are you done with practice? Do you want to go grab something to eat?”

“Ok, it’s your treat!” San chirped and Seonghwa huffed but told San to meet him at the front door.

An hour later San was stuffing his mouth and Seonghwa was trying to calm his nerves with no avail. They were eating and chatting about their day and San kept smiling at Seonghwa like this was the best day of his life.  
Seonghwa hopes were high, his palms were sweating over his thighs and his mind was trying to foresee every way this could go wrong.

And oh boy, it went wrong.

“Oh, yes! I almost forgot!” San shouted over dessert “Someone changed your name in my phone to boyfriend! Can you believe it?”

“About that…” Seonghwa started.

“I think it was Wooyoung but he denied it… the nerve.”

Seonghwa’s gaze went down to his own hands that were holding his iced tea, shaking around the glass.

“It’s not that bad.” he spoke in a whisper.

“Of course it is! I love my Park-ssi! How dare he change it without telling me?” San whined, stabbing his dessert.

Seonghwa would have found it adorable if he wasn’t feeling as his heart had been ripped out of his chest.  
Somehow San noticed the change in Seonghwa and tried to take a step back. He didn’t have a clue about what he did to make Seonghwa sad though.

“Well, it was just a silly joke…” San mumbled, trying to change the subject. “Tell me all about those new model kits you bought.”

Right there Seonghwa decided two things. San was never going to see him as boyfriend material and he needed to let him go.  
Seonghwa smiled tightly and breathed in. He was hurting and feeling warm at the same time. He knew he’d love San for a long time but maybe he’d heal enough to remember his first love as what it was, something beautiful.

He started to talk about the damn model kits.


	6. Be blunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is shorter than what I expected because I had to cut out San's reactions orz I hope it's still good, though. Disclaimer: I wrote this chapter with "Fever" on repeat.

Hongjoong, Seonghwa and San just finished their vlive and Hongjoong was nagging at Seonghwa because of his poor job as MC. He didn’t care much about it because San was hugging him from behind and his warm body felt just right against his back.

“Really, Seonghwa…” Hongjoong sighed.

Seonghwa smiled, stretched his arms and closed his eyes.

“I’m sleepy.” he confessed and San cooed over him, petting his hair.

“You should’ve said so.” scolded Hongjoong.

“Sorry.” he offered. San was helping him get up and Seonghwa let himself be manhandled, feeling happy with all the attention.

“You’re not.” Hongjoong deadpanned.

Seonghwa’s smile got bigger and San chuckled. Hongjoong looked at him, but he had nothing bad to say about San, so he just rolled his eyes and tried to hurry up both of his bandmates.

Overall it was a good day for Seonghwa. He got to sit with San in the van and they shared San’s airpods to listen to his summer songs recs. The music was relaxing enough to lull Seonghwa to sleep for a few minutes.  
San was holding his hand when he woke up and Seonghwa smiled at their intertwined fingers.

All in all, he was happier since he had stopped yearning for San’s love. Oh, he was still in love with him! But Seonghwa just enjoyed their time together.  
Maybe one day his love for San would change into something platonic. In the meantime his love could survive with the crumbs of affection San was feeding him. It would slowly fade away, anyway. Seonghwa was sure of it.

It wasn’t that bad.

It was easier that way.

* * *

Dinner was over and Seonghwa was already yawning but for some unknown reason San was clingy that night, so he followed his hyung into the bedroom.  
Moments later, San was sitting on Seonghwa’s bed with his back against the wall and Seonghwa’s head resting on his thigh. They had been talking until five minutes ago.  
In the silence of the room San started remembering the live, reviewing in his mind what they had said .

“Hyung.”

Seonghwa had his eyes closed and was drifting off to sleep when San’s voice woke him up.

“Hmn?”

San had been running his fingers through Seonghwa’s grey hair, watching him fall asleep when suddenly a question sprang to life in his mind.

“What were you thinking?”

“When?” Seonghwa asked.

“Everyday and night~” he sang in a whisper “That part.”

Seonghwa blinked, pursing his lips. “I already told you, I think?”

Now San started ruffling Seonghwa’s hair until he tried to stop him. Somehow they ended up holding hands again, like in the van. Seonghwa sighed as San began petting his hair again with his free hand.

“No, I mean… I watched your fan and facecams. There is this one where your face is… it’s like you’re in a lot of pain?” Seonghwa nodded watching San from below and marveling at the shape of his cute nose. “Were you remembering something?”

“Love.”

San stared at Seonghwa, frowning. “What do you mean love?”

Seonghwa sat upright and looked at San, who suddenly didn’t know how to read Seonghwa’s expression. Was he sad or tired? Maybe that glint in his eyes was a resigned look of defeat. Seonghwa moved to sit next to San with his gaze down, clasping his hands.

“I was thinking about love. Sometimes love can hurt.”

“What? No.” said San, looking as if he was ready to punch someone. “Love is not supposed to be painful, it has to be… uplifting. It has to make you feel happy and warm and…”

“I know! I know… It makes me feel that too.” jumped Seonghwa, quick to make it clear. “But I've been hurt by love over and over and it’s easy to just… let my feelings show on stage. We are singing about love, so.” he shrugged, making San frustrated.

“Who can not love you, hyung? Who was it?” asked San, crossing his arms. “Do I know her?”

“Him.” rectified Seonghwa. “You.”

Seonghwa smiled brightly at him, booping San’s nose.

“You don’t…” San blinked confused, opening and closing his mouth. Suddenly his face became serious. “You’re not joking.”

Seonghwa sighed slowly and patted San’s leg. His smile turned a little sad.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to worry.” Seonghwa assured. “I know you don’t see me that way. I’m happy just being around you.”

At that time, Seonghwa didn’t know the chain reaction that his words were going to unleash but he had a vague idea that confessing now was maybe not the best decision ever.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.” he said. “It will go away soon, you’ll see” he lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for now (✩ ์ ᴗ ์✩) I'll be back with the next part "How (not) to fall in love" where San gets to be confused all the time. Thank you for your comments, kudos, bookmarks and subscriptions!  
> See ya!


End file.
